THE NATURAL EVOLUTION OF SCENE KIDS

I. Phase one.
-Discard all Pacific Sunwear clothing.
-Buy all Hot Topic clothing.
-Discard all albums from the labels Epitaph, Nitro, and Fat Wreck Chords.
-Discard your Green Day, Sublime, Offspring, Nirvana and Metallica collections.
-Purchase albums by these bands:
:: The Get Up Kids, The Promise Ring, Alkaline Trio, Brand New, Taking Back Sunday, Juliana Theory, Saves the Day, Weezer, Yellowcard…
-Purchase several argyle-patterned sweaters.
-Buy horn-rimmed glasses with colored lenses; pop lenses out and wear as “normal” glasses. Fake tape on nose-bridge is optional.
-Start going to "shows". Go to any show, regardless of who is playing. Don't even pretend to be interested, never mind dancing or enjoying yourself.
-Leave your hair the same, you haven't yet realized that fashion is crucially important in a scene that is supposed to promote individuality.
-Join The Get Up Kids “Fun Club”; wear the T-shirt you receive frequently.
-Start a band; play only stuff from MTV2.
-Change your AOL screen name to something like “RADemodoodSTAR”.
-Receive condescending looks from people in the following phases.


II. Phase two.
-Realize that liking all the bands whose CDs you have just bought is not “cool”, because everyone else likes them which makes them “sellouts”.
-Sell all previously bought CDs and purchase CDs by the following "underground" bands:
:: Death Cab for Cutie, Texas is the Reason, Sunny Day Real Estate, Jets to Brazil, Built to Spill, Pedro the Lion, Bright Eyes, Modest Mouse…
-Begin shopping for clothes at thrift stores and your dad's closet.
-Start a new band; the name should be at least three words. It helps if one of those words is conspiracy, hope, love, project, or theory.
-Play music that "can't be classified", meaning that everyone you know calls it indie rock.
-Most importantly, deny that you ever listened to any of the bands from Phase One UNLESS you drank too much PBR and ran your mouth.


III. Phase three.
-Realize that the bands from Phase Two are not actually underground.
-Hit insound.com in a panicked attempt to find “underground” bands.
-Purchase albums (preferably colored limited edition 7's) by these bands:
:: Mineral, Orchid, Indian Summer, Antioch Arrow, Moss Icon, The Locust…
-Start your own local "zine". Use a photocopier at Kinko's to make the first issue. Never make a second issue.
-Get an online diary. Extra points for your own domain, with a name like "myheartbleedsfornoone.net".
-Change your AOL screen name to "as close to cold".
-Begin typing in all lowercase letters, and ...like.this...
-You don't love anything anymore. You "heart" it.
-Quit your band. Bands are lame.
-Berate Phase One people for A) liking "juvenile pop" music and B) not knowing who
the bands are that you list in your friendster profile.


IV. Phase four:
-Become an "intellectual".
-Carry obscure and/or philosophical texts in your used army bag. IE Siddhartha, Dostoevsky, Kafka.
-Become a "photographer". Always carry your polaroid camera, because you find things that most people overlook to be "beautiful".
-Make "collages" with the colors pink and black.
-Talk about going to "art school" and taking "road trips".
-The only CDs you buy are the ones pitchforkmedia.com says are cool.
-Buy music by these bands:
:: Q and not U, Cap'n Jazz, Don Caballero, The Wrens, Mogwai, Neutral Milk Hotel, The Rapture…
-Determine that rock music is "dead".
-Change your AOL screen name to "delete radio"
-Inform everyone of how long you have known about your recent musical selections, which is of course long before they did, and scoff at them for being "posers".
-Declare that the "scene is dead", but even if it wasn't, scenes are lame.
-Start a new "musical project"; classify it as one or more of the following genres
(if you absolutely must resort to something so lame as classification):
:: Post-punk, Noise, Grindcore, No wave, Space rock, Drone, Shoegaze…
-Sound like Trans Am or Shiner.
-Smoke cigarettes (rolling your own is a bonus, cloves take off points)
-Write songs about smoking cigarettes, whiskey, and other such “nonsensical” topics. Love songs are lame.
-Dislike “other people” on the basis of their inherent intellectual inferiority. Laugh derisively when they mention their band / their favorite band.


V. Phase five:
-Scoff at the term “emo”.
-Become one of the following:

a. Indie-
-Get many tattoos, all bad.
-Wear plugs in your ears. 00g at the highest.
-Grow sideburns; always be somewhat unshaven. Beards are a bonus.
-Have a few piercings, but not enough to make you look like you are pierced to be "cool".
-Be in a band. Dislike the band that you are in.

b. Mod-
-Wear a denim jacket, small, regardless of the weather.
-Grow your hair out, just long enough that it hangs down over your forehead. Bonus for resembling Spock.
-Ride a Vespa.
-Wear a scarf. Bonus for a scarf with a vespa logo on it.
-Be in a "minimal" band with only keyboard and vocals. Dream of being able to present your music to Sigur Ros and Yo La Tengo at once.
-Give your band a somewhat French name, preferably starting with “le”.

c. Hardcore-
-Have "opinions" on “important issues”.
-Inform anyone and everyone that you would die at any time for your beliefs, because you are “intense” and “for real”.
-Write lyrics or poems that are emotionally driven, but not wimpy. Talk about all the struggles you have gone through for your beliefs, and all your friends who have sold you out. Make frequent references to your blood flowing.
-Have a band with A) a name that is a single, but powerful word, like “Indecision” or B) a name that is multiple words, and vague yet ominous. IE “The Enemy of my Enemy is My Friend”.
-Talk constantly about how much you hate emo kids. Frequently use the phrase “Quit crying, emo kid”, as well as clever variations like, “Hey emo kid, need a Kleenex?”.
-Wear a hoodie. Always.

d. A washed up loser with no life skills and no social value-
-This is your most likely route